YOU: “I need your help, I’m desperate. I wouldn’t normally ask but I really need your help.”

THEM: “No sorry, I have a hair appointment.”

Covert narcissists are harder to spot in your life than overt, simply because they’re really not nearly as obvious. They’re very hard to spot if you are most used to overt narcissists. Overt are obvious attention seeking nightmares, covert are seemingly the opposite.

Covert are the ones quietly demolishing your parenting skills from the sidelines or judging your latest way to get fit rather than supporting it. If you’re honest or direct, they twitch, huff and march off.

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They’re sweetness and light in public but privately they’re cutting and casually cruel. They like to play on sympathy; they can do a wonderful job at it. One I know, in public she is desperately gluten intolerant, no dairy and can’t eat sugar, restaurants have to be checked on, menus found, yet in secret she’s scoffing Cadbury Crème Eggs and a bottle of wine.  

They’re annoyed if you’re talking, they accuse you of stealing the show, not outright, it will be a little comment slipped in that cuts deep into you, followed by a: “Anyway…” You slope off feeling bemused and uncertain as to what you did wrong.

Never normally out front, they’ll hide behind others, preferring to remain behind the scenes. Why? It’s so nothing has to be directly their responsibility or fault. If you mention it, they’ll be cynical or sarcastic. If they’re genuinely wronged, they won’t confront, they’ll snipe behind the person’s back holding a grudge but will be quite happy to watch you fight their battle for them.

Avoiding introspection, there is a lack of self-awareness in a covert narcissist. If you open up around them, you feel suddenly very unsure, not sure why, you’ll carry on in the hope more information will bring forth connection but you’re fobbed off with platitudes in place of genuine insight. Again, you’re left shaking your head wondering what happened.

Humble brags: ‘Oh I only baked this little cake, it’s a bit dry’ when it’s moist and tastes delicious.

Their children squabble way into adulthood, division between siblings is encouraged through in action. They like to keep siblings away from each other, one favoured over another with gossip in-between and the odd few: “I wish you two would get on” yet when you do try, the other sibling is unavailable, they ‘wish’ you would talk to each other but will say: “Oh I don’t like to interfere” but is all the while, keeping the division alive.

A covert narcissist has the same desire as an overt narcissist – to be number one. To be the centre of attention, however, their approach is quietly done. Never overt, their superiority is achieved through negativity, denial and unreasonable demands.

They’re the quickly overly helpful friend at your most vulnerable time to find they disappear on you when things go well and you want someone to celebrate with. They’re the needy elderly parent who can be so nice sometimes but swaps you out the moment you’re not running to be their caretaker. They’re the partner who quietly turned your situation into their drama or the work colleague who is casually late on the most important day of your career.

A covert narcissist will never let you get ahead. They’ll never cheer your success or allow it to happen because it’s not within their interest. They’ll want things to remain the same, in their control and outside of growth.

Everyone however deserves to grow if they want to. If you’re ready to grow outside of the influence of a covert narcissist where you can feel unashamedly proud of your accomplishments, then…

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